The One From Out of A Novel

When I first met James, it was on POF. We talked for ages on the site, and then, after not wanting to waste my battery anymore, I gave him my phone number. We decided to meet up after a week or two of talking. The day of the date, I was flustered, mostly because I couldn't find anything to wear, but I finally settled on a grey sweater and black leggings. That night, I was running late, both due to traffic and my tutoring session ran late. I had let James know I was going to be late, he was okay with such, and he let me know where our table was located. 

After I parked my car, I sat in it for a moment to gather myself and take a deep breath. I fixed my hair and got out of my car. As I walked up to the restaurant, I flipped through my phone trying to find his photo, so I would recognize him. When I walked up to our table, James gave me a smile and asked if I liked mushrooms. I sputtered out a "uh... ye.. yeah." and as our waiter walked by, he nodded yes as if to signal a secret code to him. The waiter took our order, and my drink order, then left. As the waiter took James' order, I studied him. I took noticed of his crystal blue eyes and his soft demeanor. We talked about ourselves, and I let on, perhaps more than I should have, that I tend to go through guys like the weather changes. He took it in stride and we talked through dinner and dessert.

We sat talking after the check was delivered and paid. We walked back to his place, opened a bottle of wine, and sat outside near the fire pit, he had in his backyard. It was a chilly night and we sat as close as the chairs would let us. We sat and talked, stared at the stars, which were bright against the dark night sky, and aimlessly intertwined our fingers. It was late, and I knew I had to leave before I started getting those, "Where are you?" texts from my father. James offered to walk me back to my car and as we were making our way to my Fiat, I spotted a playground. I threw a mischievous grin towards James, grabbed his hand, and made my way to the playground. We spent a good 30 mins on that playground, goofing around and acting like my 3 year old nephew acts on the playground. He chased me around the playground, and laughing and out of breath, I turned to face him. What we were talking about was lost when he tilted my face to his and smiling, he pulled me closer and kissed me. His one arm was wrapped around my waist, and his other hand was interweaved in my hair. I pulled away, and reminded him I did have to get home. He smiled at me and taking my hand, he led me back to my car. As we stood behind the Iron Hill Brewery, he kissed me goodbye. I smiled against his kiss and mumbled something about having to leave. He asked me to text him when I got home, and asked when he would see me again. I got in my car and before I closed the door, he leaned down to give me one last kiss. He shut my door smiled, waved and sauntered away.

An open letter to the boy who broke my heart:

First and foremost, thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for those sleepless, tear-filled nights. Thank you for those sleepless, ranting, wine filled girls nights. Thank you for letting me let you in and let you see the broken and bruised parts of me. You showed me how important a greeting with a hug and a kiss is to me, because I never received them from you. You showed me how important is it to learn to love myself. I know you never did love me, and because you broke my heart, I learned to love myself. I learned how create my own happiness, and not depend on others for my happiness.

Thank you for so much. Thank you for showing me how the late night pillow talks are important, because you and I never had such talks. Thank you for reminding me not to blame myself for your actions, because during our time "together", I spent a lot of time doing such. Blaming myself for your actions, which I had no control over, because I thought I was not good enough for you. Your past is not my fault, and making me feel guilty for your actions is not healthy. You reminded me that I am good enough for you, but you weren't good enough for me. You were not good for me. Sometimes, we need the bad intermixed with the good, so we learn to appreciate what we have and will have. Thank you for not being good for me because I realized what I needed in a relationship and you were not and are not it. In some odd way, I must thank you for leading me on and toying with my emotions because now I know what a real relationship looks and feels like.

For all those nights I spent crying over you, thank you. You reminded me that no boy is worth my tears. No boy should ever make me wonder if perhaps I am not thin or in shape enough for him to love me. No boy should ever make me hate myself and blame myself for his actions and unfaithfulness. No boy should ever be the cause of my pain. There should be no scars on my body because of a boy.

This is not a sarcastic, bitter letter, which I am writing to you. This is a heartfelt, meaningful letter. You taught me many life lessons, which without you, I would not have learned until perhaps it was too late. You taught me what I want in life and love. As a result of my broken heart, I appreciate my friends, mentors, and family so much more, because you, in all your jejune and indecisiveness reminded me how important, significant, and imperative they are to my growth as a human being, scholar, and all-around person. I learned so much from you, but the most important aspect I will take away from everything is that I am worthy of love, I am good enough, and no one can take away from me.

Thank you.

Dating

I've been chased by many boys.

Let's face it, for those who know me, I go through guys like the weather here in Delaware changes. Sometimes it's for the best, other times, I get bored, or I realize I never really was interested. However, every relationship I've been in, every guy I've been with, I've learned something about myself.

I've had perfect first dates and horrid first dates. I've been swept off my feet from first glance, and walked out on a date by first course. You name it, I've probably been through it. I should clarify that many of these dates you're going to hear about, are first dates, regardless if I ended up dating him. Just dinner or coffee. From Tindr to Bumble to OkCupid to Plenty of Fish, I have tried them all. I've been called beautiful, stunning, self absorbed, and complex. I've dated boys who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and boys who I never should have even thought of dating. I've laughed off break-ups and spent ages crying over them. I've drank my tears and anger and sorrow away, and I've thrown myself into my schoolwork to rid myself of those memories. I've blasted Caleb Lovely's "Yours", "Miserable", and "Cherry Tree" in hopes of ridding myself of the memories.

I've fallen in and out of love. Found the difference between infatuation and love. I've been told "I love you" more times then perhaps, I should have been told. I've learned the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. I've learned when to walk away and when to stay. I've learned the hard way that no boy is worth crying over, especially after drinking a bottle of port.

Why am I writing these blog posts, you're asking? It's not to brag. Not even in the least. It's to share my experiences. A close friend of mine once told me, I should blog about the guys I meet and go on dates with, so I figured why not.
Names have been changed for the privacy of the guys I have dated, but the stories are still the same.