The Romantics Were Wrong

My friends all say they're jealous 'cause I found the one, but how can that be true? While they're all wishing they were with her, I'm wishing I was still with you.

A year ago, those lyrics would have had me in tears. I'm talking about chest heaving, inherent babbling, gross sobbing, noisy crying. It's amazing how much a year, 365 days, can change someone. When I look back on who I was last year, I am unbelievably grateful I am not the same person. Even though I went through some rough times, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Without going through the breakups and rubbish relationships I put myself through, I wouldn't be who I am today, or with who I am today. 

This time last year, I was bitter, angry, heartbroken, and worn. I thought I found the person I wanted to be with, but as I look back at what I was feeling and everything I was put through, I realized I wanted the idea of him. Even now, as I look at my boyfriend and realize I have never been more happy and content in a relationship, I want to say that a year ago, I needed those rubbish relationships because I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. 

Around this time last year, not only was I amidst my senior year of college, trying to decide my future, I was also between letting go of a relationship I know I should have left a long time ago, and holding on to some false hope that maybe, just maybe, it will work out. I went to a single therapy session and I remember telling her about the relationships and how wrecked and worn and tired I was. I remember getting angry and telling her,

"He jumped in front of my car. He knew he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he did it anyway, and he wrecked me. It's unforgivable and he shouldn't be able to forgive himself, but he has, and I'm still here. Still a wreck and a mess, and he's moved on with his life and forgiven himself for wrecking me."

I remember telling her what drew me to this guy and wondering why I couldn't let him go. She sat and listened to me, and then she gave me a simple answer, 

"You need to let go of the romantic ideas you have built up. Let go of the idea that he is some sort of "knight in shining armor" and look at him like an actual human being. Look at the damage he is doing to you."

Even as she said that, I felt confusion and protest catch in my throat. I was an English Major, I mean half of the books we read had some sort of romantic theme. Yet, as I thought about it, I realized that even those "romances" turned sour. Even the love of my literary life, Shakespeare, didn't have one happy marriage or relationship in his plays. If anyone had any idea of how much relationships failed in literature, it was me. How many plays, stories, poems, novels, and epics had I read where the protagonist was able to be be with the one he desires? Not many. 

I knew that I had to let go. I just didn't know how. I tried everything. I tried going out with friends, being passive aggressive, eating ice cream, ranting, eating a box of chocolate, etc. Nothing worked. Looking back, I understand why. I didn't want it to work. I didn't want to let go. I wanted that relationship to work. What I didn't realize was that wanting that relationship, wanting that feeling of being loved by the wrong person, was poison. Even now as I think back and I remember the times where I had met up with old lovers for dinner or drinks because I believed they had changed, but in reality, I was simply drawn back to them out of false hope, I realize how foolish I had been. I am grateful for the laughter and joy we had. I can still feel the snow on our faces, the sound of it crunching under our shoes, and the smell of the quiet town we walked through.  I don't wish that I was back in that small town with the snow falling on our faces and laughter on our lips. I haven't wished that in a long time. All I wish now, is that you find happiness. Pure, blissful happiness. 

I suppose this is a slight 'thank you', but it's also something I want others to use and grow from. Learn from my mistakes and take risks and chances. Who knows, it could lead to your happiness.

A quick post on Depression

For those of you who are unknown, I suffer from clinical depression. This means some days I have good days, and some days I have bad days. Some days, I have even worse days. Sometimes, my bad days are good and my good days are bad. Sometimes, it takes everything I can muster to pull myself out of bed and go to work.

Depression is hard. Depression is difficult. Depression tears away at your soul and your being until you think there is nothing worth keeping. Depression rips away your humanity and leaves you an empty shell. Depression leaves you believing you will never be good enough for anyone and will never be enough to be loved.

Depression destroys you.
Depression can destroy relationships.

Some nights, I lay awake and fight the panic attacks and the voices in my head telling me that I will never be good enough. On those nights, I am lucky enough to have my boyfriend nearby to reassure me that he knows I am good enough and I am worth fighting for. He reminds me that I have the strength to fight and the willpower to defeat my depression. He reminds me that there is nothing wrong with me for having depression. He reminds me I am worthy of love.

To those of you fighting with this demon and all other manners of demons that haunt you at night, I want to remind you that you are strong enough. You are worth fighting for. You are worth so much more than what those voices tell you. You are worthy of love. You will be okay. Things may not become better, but you become okay. You become stronger. You can make it through this. You are worthy of so much more. You will survive.