Hold On, Small One

I wanted to write a post today about this past weekend, but as I started writing, I kept deleting and retyping an opening. I couldn't find the words to convey my thoughts, and even now, as I free write, I still feel as if this is inadequate. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

For those of you who don't know, I went and saw this band, Loftland, one of my all time favorite bands, this weekend. I saw them about a year ago for the first time and just like last time, they were absolutely brilliant. They pulled the crowd in and even though this time they had a few new members in the band, they were still brilliant. My friend, Sarah, and I drove a total of 13 hours this weekend to see Loftland in both WV and VA. Also there was Shuree and Shonlock. Both absolutely amazing.

On Saturday night, I asked Dom, the lead singer if he would write the words, "Hold on, Small One" so I could get that tattooed on my foot. He looked at my oddly, and I assured him I was serious. I never told him why I wanted those words on my foot, I just did. After about 5 different tries, he gave up and handed me a piece of paper that had those words on it. I'm sure he thought my request was quite odd, but being as I never explained why I wanted those words tattooed on my body forever, I don't disagree with him.

Sunday night, Sarah and I drove to VA to see them one last time. At the end of the show, Sarah and I were talking to Shuree and she asked us about our story. After I told her mine, and explained that I was getting "Hold on, Small One" tattooed on my foot, she asked if Loftland knew the reasoning behind the tattoo. I shook my head and she walked with me over to Loftland's booth and asked me to share my story with them. 

When I was 14, I met who I thought would be the love of my life. Little did I know how wrong I really was. This was the relationship that not only changed me, but changed my life, and not in a good way. It was the relationship that started me with self-harm. For 8 years, I fought with this demon and I never saw an end. I felt so alone and I felt as if I was the only one who felt this pain. I never thought I would stop cutting, until one night when I was driving home from a friend's house. It was late and the roads were empty. I had been through a bad breakup and I was already weeping. My iPod was hooked up to my radio, and I wasn't too interested in the song that was playing and so I skipped to the next song, by an artist I knew all too well, Loftland. The song, "Hold On, Small One" played through my speakers and the words hit me with such a force, I had to pull over. I had heard this song so many times, blared the song and sang along, but the words never hit me until late one January. I had tried so many times to stop cutting, so many failed attempts, but for some reason, some strange unknown reason, this time felt different. This time I was done covering my hips and ribs in scars.
I remember leaning my head back and pulling at my sleeves. I listened to the lyrics, and the chorus really hit home for me:

Hold on, Small one

I'm right beside you

When the storms they come

And all your hope is gone

You've got to hold on small one

I'll never leave you

When your world comes down

And when you come undone

Hold on

It was in that moment that I realized something. I realized that no one is worth me destroying my body over. No one is worthy of me destroying my body and spending months crying because I think I am not good enough. I am good enough. I am worthy of being loved. 

I think it was in that moment, when I heard those words I realized  the answer does not lie within a silver pen that draws red.

The answer is choosing life. It is choosing the will to live and the desire to make a difference. It is realizing I do not need a man to define who I am. I am good enough. I am worthy of being loved and nobody can ever take that away from me ever again.

So thank you. Thank you Loftland for pulling me through and reminding me that I am going to be okay. Every time I look at this tattoo, I'll remember that even though I feel as if I'm on a sinking ship and I can't help but wonder how did I get in over my head, there's a voice that says, "Hold on, Small one."