The Romantics Were Wrong

My friends all say they're jealous 'cause I found the one, but how can that be true? While they're all wishing they were with her, I'm wishing I was still with you.

A year ago, those lyrics would have had me in tears. I'm talking about chest heaving, inherent babbling, gross sobbing, noisy crying. It's amazing how much a year, 365 days, can change someone. When I look back on who I was last year, I am unbelievably grateful I am not the same person. Even though I went through some rough times, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Without going through the breakups and rubbish relationships I put myself through, I wouldn't be who I am today, or with who I am today. 

This time last year, I was bitter, angry, heartbroken, and worn. I thought I found the person I wanted to be with, but as I look back at what I was feeling and everything I was put through, I realized I wanted the idea of him. Even now, as I look at my boyfriend and realize I have never been more happy and content in a relationship, I want to say that a year ago, I needed those rubbish relationships because I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. 

Around this time last year, not only was I amidst my senior year of college, trying to decide my future, I was also between letting go of a relationship I know I should have left a long time ago, and holding on to some false hope that maybe, just maybe, it will work out. I went to a single therapy session and I remember telling her about the relationships and how wrecked and worn and tired I was. I remember getting angry and telling her,

"He jumped in front of my car. He knew he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he did it anyway, and he wrecked me. It's unforgivable and he shouldn't be able to forgive himself, but he has, and I'm still here. Still a wreck and a mess, and he's moved on with his life and forgiven himself for wrecking me."

I remember telling her what drew me to this guy and wondering why I couldn't let him go. She sat and listened to me, and then she gave me a simple answer, 

"You need to let go of the romantic ideas you have built up. Let go of the idea that he is some sort of "knight in shining armor" and look at him like an actual human being. Look at the damage he is doing to you."

Even as she said that, I felt confusion and protest catch in my throat. I was an English Major, I mean half of the books we read had some sort of romantic theme. Yet, as I thought about it, I realized that even those "romances" turned sour. Even the love of my literary life, Shakespeare, didn't have one happy marriage or relationship in his plays. If anyone had any idea of how much relationships failed in literature, it was me. How many plays, stories, poems, novels, and epics had I read where the protagonist was able to be be with the one he desires? Not many. 

I knew that I had to let go. I just didn't know how. I tried everything. I tried going out with friends, being passive aggressive, eating ice cream, ranting, eating a box of chocolate, etc. Nothing worked. Looking back, I understand why. I didn't want it to work. I didn't want to let go. I wanted that relationship to work. What I didn't realize was that wanting that relationship, wanting that feeling of being loved by the wrong person, was poison. Even now as I think back and I remember the times where I had met up with old lovers for dinner or drinks because I believed they had changed, but in reality, I was simply drawn back to them out of false hope, I realize how foolish I had been. I am grateful for the laughter and joy we had. I can still feel the snow on our faces, the sound of it crunching under our shoes, and the smell of the quiet town we walked through.  I don't wish that I was back in that small town with the snow falling on our faces and laughter on our lips. I haven't wished that in a long time. All I wish now, is that you find happiness. Pure, blissful happiness. 

I suppose this is a slight 'thank you', but it's also something I want others to use and grow from. Learn from my mistakes and take risks and chances. Who knows, it could lead to your happiness.